To sleep or not to sleep...

I am trying to decide if I have the energy to stay up and watch the big game. I really want to but because we have AFN we don't get any commercials so really is it even worth it? The commercials are the best part! I don't really have an attachment to either team but according to my boys the Cardinals are the way to go. So I guess I am all for them! GO Cardinals!!!
I had a great talk with both the boys this evening, they crack me up. Dax tells me he has had the same "girlfriend" for three weeks. They are both so funny! They just make me smile talking to them!
Well I think it is bedtime, I just don't have it... Good nite to all!! and Go Cardinals!!!!!

A saturday thought...

Here is a little Saturday morning thought...
According to Grace with all of her 4 year old knowledge, the correct way to say hippopotumus is hippo miss potumuses. We have gone rounds this morning so she wins from now on the "hippo" has a new name in the Mckendree home! :)
oh and i went upstairs to get my shoes on and found little miss with my tall black boots jamming to the new High School Musical 3 soundtrack. She informed me today she "will be a rockstar when I grow up"

Real

On Becca's blog she posted a challenge to list 10 "real" things about yourself. I did not think it would be that hard but I have been trying to post this for a couple days now!

1. I still struggle daily with the fact that I got pregnant young and they get that " I am counting exactly how old you were in my head look"that they will think I was just some hoochy. I was NOT and am NOT a hoochy!!! I swear and I am so blessed to have my sweet boys.
2. I feel like I am in the "out crowd" sometimes in church settings because I am divorced and remarried don't have the perfect little family. I love my big blended crazy family.
3. I struggle to stay in my bible like I should. It hurts me but still it seems I always am going too and things come up and I put it off.
4. I am so worried about what other people think...
5. I always feel guilty when people write about that people are"lurking" on their blogs because I love toread but I don't always comment in fear that they don't like me or don't know me. I am shy in real life, until people talk to me first
6. I don't like my body,and I really don't like that the fact that I have put on 25 pounds since I got remarried! Ugh that is really hard to say
7. I struggle that I am not a good enough mom to my kids. All of them. I worry that the boys will resent me for not being there more, I worry that Drew and the twins will think I don't love them becasue they aren't my real kids, I worry that grace will think that she has horrific parents because all her brothers and sister don't live with us.
8. I try so hard to have that "perfect" home, but I have dishes and laundry and dusty shelves etc...
9. I love politics! love love love
10. When I am sad or Dean goes TDY or gets deployed I buy double stuffed Oreos and cottage cheese and dorritos. Maybe that would account for the weight gain!! :)

Well that is 10 very real things about me. I challenge you to "get real" as well. Thanks Becca for the challenge!

What to do...

I really don't even know where to start. I have been feeling really, well I don't even know the words for it. If you know me well you know enough that I am constant worry about my boys and the influence if any I have on them. I worry that they will grow up and think that I just left them and I don't care, or are they going to hit those teenage years and blame me for everything that is wrong in their lives. And if they do that is ok. I know that things have been very difficult for them growing up definately not the picture I had so many years ago,
I have tried to do what I thought was best. I know that I could have done alot of things differently. I felt like all the fighting over them had to stop and I am not talking about the courts, that is a whole other story, I knew that I had to let go and let God take over and stop being so angry over the situation. It is what it is and putting them in the middle of a tug of war was not and is not fair to them. I feel like in the past more than now I was shoved out of there lives and kept in a neat little box as "the other mom" sometimes just "casey" It hurts really bad but I know that God is in control. And I did not kick and scream louder because I just wanted them to have peace in their life! But I am so sad and I am hurting for them! They are both going through some things now and they are having a tough time and I am not there to make it better! That is what a mom is supposed to do, be there always and I am not. I am failing misserably! Things are much better between the "grown ups" and we are all trying to work together and stay on the same page for them. I call every weekend and it is more difficult because of the time difference. Even as I type this I don't want to sound whiney and like this is all about me becasue it is not! It is about them and I just want them to be ok! So if you are reading this and you can give me thought or ideas or scriptures I will gladly take all I can get.

Here are my sweet boys! Julie took this picture this summer and she is awesome!!! Thanks again julie!

Praying for Harper

I stumbled upon this blog today and this sweet family needs prayer!

Cold...

It has been so cold here lately, I can't think back to when it has been over 32' degrees outside. The sun has been shining so that has been nice. But I am longing for the warmer temps back home! Gracie is still not convinced that is cold outside! She is wearing shorts, tights, and a short sleeve shirt now! She has quite the fashion sense!!

That's right ladies and gents those are true ruby slippers there! A girl must always be prepared with the right shoes!

How could you not...

love this girl!!!!!



This picture was taken at Ider-Oberstein, we visited last weekend. I thought it would be nice to show how the little villages light up there streets for Christmas.